MWW: Ranting on social media is something people are doing now…
Cindy: Talking about your husband on social media only makes the issue even harder to fix. The more you tell people how bad your spouse is, the more you demean him in front of everybody, including yourself. I’m not saying to hide a problem, but solve it within your ability when you still can. If you really can’t find a counsellor, find someone mature to help mediate.
MWW: Do you see a growing number of Asians going for marriage counselling?
Cindy: Yes. People are more educated as well and don’t see counselling as a bad thing. It helps them clarify where the problem is, because in order to solve the problem, you need to first pin-point it. For example, I had one case where the wife said, “Cindy, how can I ask my husband to stop doing the things I don’t like him to do?” That’s very vague, so I questioned her further. She said, “I don’t like him touching my butt in public.”
When I heard this, I could see that it’s a problem with her, not him. She had body image issues, and hence, wasn’t comfortable with her husband’s actions. I told her, “No, for guys when they do that, it means he desires you. He’s thinking of you, he wants you, and that is a good thing” I spent the next four, five sessions with her talking about self-esteem and working through the issues she didn’t solve when she was single.
MWW: What if a spouse cheats?
Cindy: There must be a reason, and many a times it takes two hands to clap. There must be something that one party is not doing enough. Of course, I’mm not denying that there are people who cheat not matter how good the wife is. But it could also mean that the wife is not assertive enough. She’s just being too nice and condoning this behaviour.
We find out more, and then give them ‘homework’ to do with their spouse. They then come back again after three months as a couple. The one-to-one session is usually where we get the most information. Everyone has insecurities which we are dealing with, or have not dealt with. Add to it handling a relationship with another person who also has insecurities. This the part where it gets really difficult to build the relationship.
MWW: How long have you been doing this and how did you get into it?
Cindy: Seven years, by the end of the year. I studied psychology, and after graduating, at 24 years old, I got a divorce. It was the worst point of my life, and I thought to myself, “How come there’s no course to help people with relationships?” It’s how I chanced upon the enneagram, and I saw that it really worked. It helped me understand myself and my blind spots. I went to the US to learn more, and the rest is history. I made it into a business to help other people. It’s not just a business, but really a life calling to help people with their relationships, because I failed in one.
Cindy is an Enneagram Personality Coach and Corporate Trainer who can help you make sense of your professional and personal relationships. Besides being a member of International Coach Federation (ICF) and Singapore Psychological Society (SPS), she is a Singapore Social Development Network, SDN-Accredited dating practitioner. She is also the Chief Relationship Coach of Divine Connect, a premium matchmaking agency in Singapore, with more than 3,000 hours of one-to-one coaching under her belt.