I lost my baby when she was 14 months old

Losing a child is one of the most painful things for a mum to endure.
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I came home to an empty cot

I had such grand plans for my baby. I used to tell her she had to get better because she had things to do, places to be at, and people to meet. All she’d have to do was look at something and it would be hers. I kept thinking how unfair it was: the same hands which carried her, bathed her, fed her, and played with her were the same pair that put her into the coffin, carried it to the crematorium, and scattered her ashes at sea. Whether the child is stillborn, a toddler, a teenager, or an adult, no parent should ever have to experience losing their child.

A suitcase of clothes, never worn

I promised her I’d give all her things to children who need them, but I haven’t been able to do so. Some were given away almost immediately – medical equipment and unopened medicines were returned. Others were donated to a home for special children, including toiletries – the rest still remain. At least her niece has now taken some pieces from a suitcase full of clothes she never got to wear.

Every moment with her was the best moment

My baby was the best thing to have happened to me. Despite her frequent trips to the hospital, she was such a happy child who would laugh and clap when she saw me at the end of a work day. I think women who adopt and love a child as their own are fantastic and have such a big heart, but I could never love another the way I love her and it wouldn’t be fair to the other child.

Every day, I still wonder what it would be like if she were here with me. The sadness still lingers – it never truly goes away and people think it’s best to sweep it under the rug and never mention her. But the truth is, yes, talking about her brings heartbreak, but it’s my way of remembering her – of keeping her alive while I am alive.”

This story by Poon Li-Wei first appeared in Her World’s November 2016 issue.

 

READ MORE: How To Prepare Your Child For Another Baby

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